Speech at Peter and Suzanne’s Wedding

This weekend, I attended my cousin Peter’s wedding in Boston.  It was a beautiful, truly classy affair.  Peter and Suzanne’s friends and family from all over the country came to see these two special people tie the knot.  Peter’s long-time friend, Rodd Malitsky, officiated, licensed by the State of Massachusetts as a Justice of the Peace for a day.  Rodd did a wonderful job, as did his wife, Karen, who made the chuppah, Peter’s groomsmen, and Suzanne’s bridesmaids.  I had the great honor of being asked to speak during the ceremony, and enough people seemed to have enjoyed my speech that I thought I would post it here as my first official blog entry.

Marriage of Peter and Suzanne

I’m very honored to have been asked to speak here today.  We’re all partaking in something very special, but I’m particularly flattered to have been accorded this role.  When Peter called to ask me to write something to say at the wedding, I asked him, “What do you want, laughter or tears?”  He said BOTH.  So here goes:  Peter, Suzanne, there is NO CHECK in the envelope.  Suzanne may be laughing, but Peter knows me well enough to believe it, so he’s crying — at least on the inside.

The truth is I have always been able to get Peter to believe anything.  When we were kids, as his older cousin, I could tell him outlandish stories, and he’d buy whatever I was selling.  So when he asked me to speak about marriage, I thought, well, he’s going to believe what I say.  So my first impulse was to call Suzanne and find out what she wants him to believe.

But then he said something that made me take this responsibility seriously.  He said, “I want you to say something because you have a good marriage.”  And I thought, I do?  I mean, I think I do, but how does he know, as an outsider looking in, that I have a good marriage?  I’m in the marriage for sixteen years, and I’m not 100% certain what marriage is.

So that became my objective — to define marriage.  To give the newly married couple a sense of what they’d gotten themselves into, and maybe in so doing give them a star to steer by.  But before I tell you what I came up with, I’d like to share with you some of the aborted attempts.

Number 1: When my brother got married ten years ago, he signed a document in Hebrew called a Katubah.  I told him he had just signed a contract agreeing to be WRONG at his wife’s convenience.  I like that definition, but I’m not certain it applies if the bride isn’t Jewish.

Number 2: A marriage is an all you can eat buffet, where there is only one entree.

Number 3: A marriage is an empty room that you spend the rest of your lives furnishing together.

Number 4: This one I really like: a marriage is a machine fueled by love and lubricated by sex and money.  If you run low on money, you better add more sex, and vice-versa.  And without love it just won’t run.

But obviously, these definitions are too facile, too shallow to capture the true meaning of marriage, which is something so important that our entire culture has been wrestling with its definition for the past few years.  And rightly so.  Marriage is of central importance to our society; every marriage made in love (regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation) strengthens the institution and, by extension, society itself.

Marriage is an act of creation, a nexus, a focal point, and a living entity.  You are taking two families, two groups of friends, two individuals, two DVD COLLECTIONS, and through the alchemy of the love you have for each other and the love we all have for you, you’re making something new.  Everyone in this room is changed today, going forward and for the rest of our lives.  We are now one family, one group of friends.  You are now one couple — with one DVD COLLECTION.  There is no going back.  Because you have chosen to join your lives, you have changed the world in a significant way because you will now grow into different human beings than you would have otherwise, and we, inasmuch as we participate in your lives and love the two of you, we will grow differently, too.  The act of creation that we witnessed today will ripple through time because you have demonstrated the LOVE, COMMITMENT, and COURAGE to merge your lives and share in each other’s futures.

If I have any advice for having a good marriage, it is for you to maintain that LOVE, COMMITMENT, and COURAGE.  Love each other at least as well – if not better – than you love your selves.  Remain committed to the relationship, regardless of the curves life throws at you; adversity is better handled as a team than as individuals.  And have the courage to communicate openly.  Don’t tell her those jeans are “unflattering” – even if she asks – that’s just stupid.  And don’t tell him the ratty old T-shirt he loves makes you embarrassed to be seen with him – just quietly make it disappear.  But have the courage to say what you really feel.  And more importantly, have the courage to listen, to really listen, to each other.  Don’t hear what you want to hear; hear what your spouse is saying, without trivializing it or interpreting it to suit your own agenda.  And finally, have the courage to embrace change.  The person you married is not the person you are going to wake up next to in ten years – metaphorically speaking.  The DNA will be the same, but a lot of other things will be different.  And that’s good.  We grow; we change. It’s what makes life interesting.  Just remember it takes work to grow together.  If being married seems too easy, you’re doing it wrong.

Remember, you’re creating something – something entirely new that has never existed before in the history of the universe – and each day you have an opportunity to both recreate and enjoy your creation.  It’s a work in progress that will keep you busy for the rest of your lives.

I started by saying that I am honored to have been asked to speak here today, and I am.  But I am more honored to be part of your lives — to not only be able to say that I was there at the beginning but to be able to look forward to many years of being part of the new family you created here today.  Mazel Tov!